So many of us suffer from GUILT on a daily basis and here are some of the things my clients regularly tell me that they feel guilty about :-

• not being organised
• not being adventurous enough, either at work or at home
• not being clever enough
• not achieving all they set out to do
• not being able to say no
• procrastinating
• lack of motivation
• worrying too much
• feeling the grass is always greener
• flying off the handle with loved ones

Any of these sound familiar?!

Guilt is a destructive emotion that can paralyse people but it is important to realise that the only person you are punishing is yourself!

We blame ourselves for so many things on a regular basis yet forget to celebrate our successes, no matter how small. Here are some tips on how to stop feeling so guilty…..

Don’t feel guilty about feeling guilty!!

Stop being your own judge and jury; failure and success are a matter of perception and today’s failure could be tomorrow’s success, so learn from your experiences.

Forgive yourself.

This is one of the hardest things to do as we tend to be our own harshest critic. So be patient, forgiving and compassionate with yourself.

Avoid using the phrase ‘I should.’

If the guilt is coming from you, then maybe you have unrealistic expectations of yourself. Many of the women I work with are exhausted because they put so many unrealistic demands on themselves. Next time you hear yourself utter the words ‘I should,’ ask yourself, WHO is telling you this? Do you need to do that thing you feel you ought to be doing?

Stop living your life the way others appear to want you to.

It’s your life after all and you only get one chance to live it!

Stop feeling guilty because you are not perfect.

Realise that no one is perfect and you cannot be the exception to the rule.

Live your life according to your OWN values and beliefs, as long as they work for you and not against you.

As for the mushroom saying in the title, it was often quoted by my dear, late mother who always justified spending time everyday doing the crossword puzzle in spite of running a large house and looking after three unruly daughters!

Have you ever wondered how it is that some people always seem positive no matter what life throws in their path and yet others, (and that may well be you), fall effortlessly into a spiral of self-doubt, anxiety and despair when an unexpected situation occurs.

This blog considers your beliefs, I don’t  mean religious beliefs but the beliefs we hold about ourselves and our capabilities based on our experiences of life which internally guide us to form our own versions of the reality around us.

Take the story of a young 17 year old Australian who was interviewed about his work on the streets of Sydney, helping people to make a new life for themselves and get employment. Both his parents were alcoholics and drug users and the interviewer asked:-

‘Considering your difficult background, it’s surprising you didn’t end up as one of the people you are trying to help.’

The young man replied, ‘throughout my difficult upbringing my parents were often comatose and not there for me. A next-door neighbour was very kind and showed me that there could be a different reality. I realised I had a choice, it wasn’t my fault, these were simply my circumstances.’

We are all survivors of many things but we don’t need to hang onto past experiences to dictate what we believe we can and can’t achieve, both now and in the future. We often subconsciously believe that events and childhood experiences control our lives and shape who we are today and what we can or can’t achieve in the future.

However, it is not the events of our lives that make us who we are but our beliefs as to what these events mean. We think our beliefs are formed by our experiences but equally, our experiences ARE THE RESULT of our beliefs.

This means we can actually choose our beliefs!

So how often do you hear yourself say:-

I’m not good enough so I can’t……..

I’m not clever enough so I won’t be able to……

I don’t deserve happiness which is why I…..

If you can recognise your self-limiting beliefs it IS possible to replace them with a more positive mindset.

CONTACT ME FOR A SELF-LIMITING BELIEFS QUESTIONNARE AND DISCOVER WHAT MIGHT BE GETTING IN YOUR WAY!

But, as a self employed worker, who do you turn to if you have a problem that you can’t deal with?

Perhaps your self-motivation or belief in yourself and your capabilities is not what it could be. Maybe you have a desire to change the way you are doing things but don’t know how or where to begin. The list can seem endless because invariably, as a self-employed person, the buck stops with you!

Just as a top sportsman or woman has a coach to encourage them to become the best in their field, YOU too can benefit from the services of a professional coach to help you achieve your full potential.

You may think that well-known entrepreneurs such as Sir Alan Sugar & Richard Branson obtain all their drive and motivation from within themselves, but, in reality, they are surrounded by a whole host of advisors and sounding boards whom they can call upon for support and guidance.

All such experts are offering a form of coaching to empower people to make significant changes to their lives.

Life coaching is an investment in  your future; it is an opportunity to share your concerns, ideas and inner most thoughts without fear of being judged or criticised. It is a chance to set goals and see them materialise and be reassured in the knowledge that the professional coach you have invested in will have your best interests at heart at all times and who will help your  business move onwards and upwards, eliminating any self-limiting beliefs and behaviours along the way.

(Curious to discover how coaching works? Smallsteps offers a free, no obligation session lasting an hour).

Are you expecting more of the same old routine (be it good or bad), some of which you would dearly like to change? Or do you see the dawning of a new year as an opportunity to achieve some of the things you were meaning to do last year but somehow never got round to it?

Perhaps you long for less work, more fun and a better work/life balance? Maybe you cannot get motivated to tackle all you need to do, (both at home and at work) – and your mindset just isn’t working positively for you. .

There is no time like the present to tackle some of those things you have been meaning to tackle but just never got round to and Smallsteps coaching will support, encourage, motivate and challenge you  to fulfil some of those things you would like to change but have no idea how or where to start.

One of MY top priorities this year is to help as many people as I can to realise their dream of starting their own business or making a career change.

So, to launch my newly published CD:- ‘SmallSteps to changing your career’ http://www.smallstepscoaching.co.uk/Publications/

I am offering a special January package to help YOU (or someone you might know) to achieve their full potential in 2013:-

• Introductory session to set the scene
• 3 x one hour coaching  sessions (taken at times, dates and interval to suit you
• unlimited email access

TOTAL price £175, over 20% discount.

So don’t delay, offer closes Thursday 31st January!!

Sometimes there is a reluctance to pursue the conversation further for fear of feeling they may have to bare their soul or insist that they are not the sort of person who would ever need to use such a service. However, just as a professional singer would use a voice coach or an athlete a sports coach, so too do may people turn to a life coach to guide them through aspects of their home and working lives that they would like to change but are uncertain how or where to begin.

I believe with a passion that all people deserve to feel comfortable with who they are and what they do for a living and working with a professional life coach can and does make positive and tangible differences to people’s lives.

However, it is important that the prospective client recognises the dissatisfaction they have about some aspect(s) of their life and are prepared to do something about it. A favourite saying is: ’the mind is like a parachute; if it isn’t open, it won’t work!’

Effective life coaching is a kind of ‘change facilitation’ and it enables, rather than trains people. Unlike counselling, (which tends to look to a persons past history to identify a persons issues and mindset-such as bullying, abuse or depression), the life coach takes an holistic view of the clients life as it is at present and aims to draw on a person’s full potential.

The onus is on the client to arrive at their own conclusions and a good coach will know how to use careful listening and questioning and challenge the client to consider any self-limiting beliefs they may hold about themselves and their abilities.

 This person-centred approach can be very empowering and although counselling is similar in many respects, there is much more emphasis put on the client for them to be in control. The coaching process develops rather than imposes and reflects rather than directs.

A professional coach will act as a non-judgemental sounding board; he or she will create the clients self-awareness and investigate the number of different ways a client might need to consider in order to achieve their goals. Setting goals or targets is fundamental to the coaching process and puts the client in the driving seat so that they take full responsibility and accountability for their actions.

The biggest difference between coaching & counselling is that coaching doesn’t claim to have all the answers, go over old ground from the past or give advice but works with the client to find the answers for themselves.

The coach will assist you to overcome obstacles and fears, focus on solutions and be someone for the client to bounce ideas off and for them to ultimately achieve their dreams and lead a more balanced lifestyle.

Although life coaching is not for everyone the benefits cannot be ignored. It:-

• Gives you  encouragement and support to move on
• Raises your  self-awareness
• Empowers you  to commit to goals and achieve them
• Provides you  with a clearer personal strategy
• Gives you new direction, focus and vision
• Allows you to  take control of your life and make things happen

Quite simply, it is an investment in your future.

So what should you look for in a coach?

A starting point is to make sure that they have an accredited qualification with a reputable training company. Professional coaches undergo a rigorous training but they should also possess sound personal qualities as well such as: empathy, sympathy, respect, consistency, fairness, flexibility, reliability and there should be mutual trust, care and respect.

Like a good manager, it is knowing when to get the best out of someone, how to challenge them but equally to be supportive in an appropriate way for the individual.

If you decide to hire a coach you will be able to tell within a few minutes of meeting them whether you feel a rapport with that person. Some coaches do not offer an initial free, no obligation session and it is a matter of personal preference but I believe in doing so.

Ultimately it is up to the prospective client to decide whether it is right for them and there should be no pressure from the coach. It is the client and not the coach who is, and remains, in charge whilst benefiting from the support and guidance they can hope to get from their chosen life coach.

This article was previously published on www.themindsanctuary.co.uk

appreciation and gratitude

One of the great things about working from home is that I have the opportunity to enjoy my surroundings more: watching the trees turn colour as autumn approaches, enjoying the many varieties of birds that visit my bird table during the course of the day and having time to pass the time of day with my lovely neighbours. I also no longer need to sit in a traffic jam on the way too and from work, something I tolerated daily for over 13 years when I worked as a college lecturer!

I’m not saying that everything in the garden is rosy, (far from it), as I too have to cope with all the daily challenges that working  for oneself brings but there is something to be said for being able to appreciate what one HAS rather than what one HAS NOT..

Take an ex-client of mine. Simon * came to me in an extremely stressed state and was finding it hard to change his habitual practice of working 70 hour weeks in his senior mangerial role. His wife managed to persuade him to take a much needed break with herself and their children but she despaired when he spent most of the time on his mobile and laptop and she threatened to throw both into the sea! Reluctantly, Simon put them a way and once he finally managed to relax, he was able to admit that he had a great time doing little more than swimming, eating and having fun with his family.

How many times have we heard people say that they have come to appreciate the small things in life after experiencing a life-threatening illness? Why do we wait until something unexpected happens before we take notice of the simple things in life that give us pleasure?

So for all of you who find it hard to justify relaxing and being able to live in the moment, here are some coaching  tips to get you started.

• Smile!-’Smile and the whole world smiles with you, frown and you frown alone.’ Apart from anything else, it takes less effort to smile; something like 72 muscles are used to frown whereas it only takes a handful to smile.
• Read something positive when you are feeling low.-There are so many inspirational books available and the Internet has numerous sites offering positive quotes and stories of encouragement.
• Thank and praise others-Don’t assume that your children partner or friends know that you are greatful for what they do for you, tell them! don’t limit your thanks to those you know, a few pleasantries shared with a complete stranger in the supermarket queue may well make their day.
• Why save your best for special occasions?-Most of us feel better when we dress up to go out, so why leave it just for those special outings? Enjoy wearing them to make you feel better about yourself and look forward to accepting any compliments you receive.
• Don’t be too busy to talk to friends- Do you need to have a reason to talk to a friend? Many people  I work with admit to intending  to contact their friends but say they are often too busy to get round to it. Have no regrets, don’t deliberate and just pick up the phone!
• Daily things to be greatful for-At the end of the day, before you go to sleep, think of five things you have appreciated and been greatful for during the day. These don’t have to be big things, seeing a new bird on my bird table would be one of my five!
• Finally, Carpe Diem-sieze the day- Take time to appreciate your surroundings, the people you care about and those that care about you.

If you would like to share what YOU do in order to maintain regular appreciation and gratitude for the small things in life, I’d love to hear from you.

*  A fictitious name to preserve identity

If you lead an extremely busy life and hectic lifestyle, here are a few ways in which you can make more time for yourself.

• Focus on your priorities. In order to have the right balance in your life, it is essential you consider what is and what isn’t important, so decide what you want to achieve without setting yourself unrealistic and unmanageable deadlines.
• Differentiate between what ‘must’ be done and ‘needs’ to be done.  WHO is telling you what needs to be achieved? Put your tasks into an honest perspective and ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen if it doesn’t get done.
• Say it as it is. Do you know what messages you give out to people around you? Do you accept offers of help when everything is getting too much to cope with or do you decline and say you are fine? (By the way FINE stands for-Feeling Insecure, Neurotic and Exhausted!)
• Be your own best friend. Good friends support you through thick and thin rather than criticise you. They don’t shame you but encourage you to learn from them and move on. So when you start to criticise yourself, ask yourself what you would want your best friend to say or do, then do it.
• You deserve more than you think you do. Do you recognise your own self worth? How often do you put your dreams, wishes and desires at the bottom of the pile behind your partner, children, parents and work colleagues?  Tell yourself you deserve some regular time to yourself and then make it happen.
• Is the grass really greener on the other side? Sometimes we are never content with what we have. We often set ourselves ridiculously high expectations and we don’t reach them because we become disappointed and frustrated.

So adjust your expectations of personal happiness, focus on being more content with what you have and who you are and don’t forget to spend a little time to enjoy watching the changing of the seasons around you!

Now that the summer months are fading into oblivion and  winter approaches, (someone kindly tweeted a reminder yesterday of the number of days left until the C…. word in December!) it is even more important to keep the momentum going with your work in order to achieve the results you desire, particularly if you work from home.

If you feel you are not making the most efficient use of your time, here are some ideas you might like to try, bearing in mind that it’s said it takes only 28 days to adopt a new habit!

As a starting point, it may be that you are not operating in the way that is best for you. If unsure, remind yourself of how you achieved deadlines in the past: were you  a night owl or an early bird? Did you do things at the very last minute or did you worry if you hadn’t finished that essay a week before the deadline date? Perhaps you work better in short bursts or prefer to stick at the task in hand until it has been completed. Knowing what work routine suits you best will ensure you work to your full potential.

Follow the 80:20 Pareto Rule; this suggests that 80% of the value of a task comes from 20% of the effort. Admittedly this is a hard one to administer but having an awareness of how efficiently you are working and deciding to change what isn’t as productive as you would like, goes a long way to raising awareness in order to ring the changes in a more positive way.

Are you a 3 P’s person? Procrastination Prevents Performance! It’s not easy to ignore distractions to your work, (particularly if your office is at home) but if you apply  a methodical and structured approach to your workload  and tackle the difficult tasks first, (breaking larger projects down into smaller tasks), everything will fall into place in a more manageable way.

Are you distracted by the ramifications of the technological age? Do YOU choose when to use social media or does IT choose when to capture you? Are you constantly answering the phone and checking your emails? Naturally you want to appear efficient and professional and aim to respond  quickly but have you ever considered how your willingness to respond immediately might be seen by others? Consider the saying:-’If you can’t say no, how valuable are your yeses?!’

Often when my coaching clients are working to tight deadlines they will develop what I refer to as a ‘butterfly mind’. They will flit about from one task to another without seeing any of them through which  invariably ends up with them not achieving very much at all. So focus on just one thing at a time-nothing is more powerful than focused, purposeful energy!

Declutter regularly. The saying:-  ‘a tidy desk shows a tidy mind’ holds a lot of truth. A confused mind says ‘No!’ and clutter is a major stumbling block to action. So book some time out to tidy up, do your filing and get rid of anything you no longer use. You may be amazed how invigorating it feels and spur you into action in your working life.

And finally, adopt a game-winning mindset. Just like each point gained in sport, (remember the ‘point something of a second’ wins in the Olympics?), every 5, 10, 15 minutes of your time spent towards your goals will allow you to get closer to ‘winning the game.’

So what isn’t working for you right now and what can you do to make some positive changes? Do let me know how you get on!

So many time-related cliches and sayings spring to mind- ‘ask a busy person to do something and they are bound to get it done,’ ‘time flies when you are enjoying yourself,’  and ‘time waits for no man” -and quite often, just by making a few simple changes to your daily routine can make all the difference to what is and what is not achieved.

The following examples are just some of the changes you can make in order to feel more in control of your time and thereby achieving a better ‘work/life’ balance.

• If time is taken up by spending several times a day checking emails, change to checking them just once in the morning and once at night and rationalise and prioritse those which need to be dealt with immediately and those which can be left until more important tasks have been completed
• What tasks have you always done in the same way even though your circumstances have changed? One client still went shopping everyday with 2 toddlers in tow as she had always done this, even as a single woman. She admitted she found it a thankless chore and simply by deciding to give online shopping a go, she freed up a few hours of time each week. Incidentally she also found she saved money as well by only buying what she needed!
• Do you plan what to do with your time? This may seem like a ridiculous question to some but so many people allow things to ‘just happen’ rather than structuring their time appropriately. Set yourself realistic and time-bound targets, tackling the most difficult tasks first, as all others will seem easier by comparison
• If you are putting off a large project because you are feeling overwhelmed, break it down into smaller, manageable chunks. A recent client struggled to get started with her dissertation but once she had all her research, information and the title, we were able to produce a logical format of content, headings and sub-sections and she felt more able to tackle one area at a time within her given completion deadline
• Quite often people who complain that they don’t have enough time are frequently giving too much of their own time to others. Could this be you?! Some of the happiest most well-balanced people I know manage to incorporate social activities into their weekly working schedule. Not only is a change of scene, ( a lunchtime walk, for example) good for your state of mind and body but it can often make the difference between approaching work with renewed enthusiasm rather than reluctance
• For those times when everything feels too overwhelming, rather than blaming yourself for what you HAVE NOT achieved, take stock of what you HAVE achieved, both at home and at work, in the last 6 months. Make a list and remember how you felt after completing each new task or challenge. Remind yourself that you have what it takes to deal with most of what life puts your way
• Finally, if all else fails, walk away!Do something else and return when you feel in a more positive and enthusiastic frame of mind

So what can you do today to feel more in control of your time rather than it controlling you?

It is not enough to simply have a good idea and hope to make a living out of it. There are approximately 4 million businesses operating in the UK but sadly 83% of all new start up businesses fail within the first year and 80% of all new start-ups fail within the first 3-5 years. (Ref: Small Business Association).

However, do not be disheartened as it’s not all doom and gloom for the world of small business owners. Just as success in business doesn’t happen by chance and you will need to be prepared to work hard and expect some unforseen knocks along the way, the rewards of being a self-employed business owner CAN undoubtedly be very rewarding, both personally and financially.

Consider for a moment anything you have had to work hard for in the past: maybe a qualification you gained at college, university or work. It may have been tough going at times but remember how you felt when you achieved  your goals.

Setting up a business is no different and, as with anything in life, a certain attitude and approach can go a very long way to achieving all you set out to achieve when running your own business.

Top entrepreneur of Dragon’s Den fame has some tips for making a business a success:

• Have vision-otherwise you won’t know where you are heading
• Market yourself-through business connections and networking events
• Confidence- believe in yourself and your idea
• Commitment-to a common goal
• Aim for results-planning is the key
• Take action-to get from where you are now to where you want to be
• Timing-anticipating the changing market is crucial
• Perserverance- successful entrepreneurs battle against the odds
• Be caring-relationships with others are important
• Intuition-use it to make the right decisions

Smallsteps coaching also suggests the following PRODUCE model as being essential components to consider when setting up a small business:-

Planning

Research

Organisation

Determination

U-(YOU are the key to success!)

C-hange

E-nthusiasm

The above blog is an extract from my book:- ‘From Dream To Reality-7 steps to setting up a small business,’ available from  Amazon & www.smallstepscoaching.co.uk at £9.99.

Further extracts to follow in future blogs!